practise to say 'it's okay'

listen. not react.

Have you thought about when in times of tension, whether it be...
When you spill coffee over someone's white pair of sneakers.
When you're late for an appointment.
When you couldn't meet a deadline.
When you accidentally break someone's favourite mug.
When you unintentionally break a promise.
When you did something which would upset someone.

What are the first few words you'd love to hear from these people?

It's okay.
Daijobu.
没关系
Don't worry.
Take your time.

Growing up, these were the words I barely heard. Often, the adults at home or the school teachers would quickly jump into a blaming tone, raise their voice, and start asking questions like...

Why can't you be more mindful?!
Why can't you be quick?!
Why did you do this?!
Who told you to do it?!
Do you know you're wrong?!
Do you have brain?!

Aggressive questioning does not teach a child to be mindful, be quick, be punctual, do the right thing...
Nor does it tell a child that he/she is careless, is slow, is late, is wrong...

It makes the child feel helpless and unable to defend him/herself because people are too quick to judge and blame without trying to hear from his/her point of view.

This was my childhood.

Typical Asian parents philosophies:
- Adult is always right.
- When an adult says you're wrong, you have no right to be right.
- When they start scolding, never defend yourself as it's considered as disrespect and not admitting your mistake, which then results in more severe punishment.
- Adult has all the right to state what you can/cannot do, at the pace they want and at their convenience.

My dad is a typical example of an Asian parent.

Apart from all these lopsided philosophies, he also has bad temper, no patience, frequently vents his anger through the use of foul languages, harmful speech, and aggressive body language.

Once, when I was about 8, we were in the car heading out for breakfast.
He asked what do we feel like having.
No one had any idea or just wasn't fast enough to beat his temper.
In that mere few seconds of silence, he got impatient and let out a threatening sigh.
I got so frightened, I randomly picked something which I wasn't even keen of having.

How hard is it to say, 'It's okay, take your time to think'?

Once, I accidentally dropped soap into the water storage in the bathroom.
I could either ask an adult to help get the soap and get all the scolding.
Or do it myself and save myself from the scolding.
I chose to dodge the scolding.
As the storage was deep, by the time I got the soap out, the water has turned murky.
True enough, when they saw the water, the first sentences I heard were: What were you thinking?! Do you have brain?! 

I do have brain.
It was an accident.
I could have drowned in there.
They were too quick to react than to show concern.
I never had a chance to speak.

Even now as an adult, I still meet people like this - people who are impatient, short temper, and people who like jumping into conclusion so they can start blaming you.

Once, I got out of my office a little too slow and had my flatmate waiting in her car at the bus stop.
The moment I got into the car, she said, 'Why can't you come down on time?! Do you know it's a $200 fine for stopping here?!?!'

Having had enough of these, I couldn't see myself taking the blame without speaking out.
I said Do you know I shut down the pc immediately, didn't even dare use the toilet, the lift wouldn't come what can I do??!! Can you not jump into conclusion and blame people for no reason??!!

I may be slow other times but just not this time.

It is an awful feeling to be misunderstood, blamed, or judged for the wrong reasons.
Over the years, I saw the importance of listening and understanding, rather than reacting.
I admit that I do have traits of a 'blamer' too.
I do get impatient at times and feel really sorry after that.
I am trying to improve on this.

Everyone deserves to be told:

It's okay.
Daijobu.
没关系
Don't worry.
Take your time.

because it only takes one second to be kind and understanding.
But it takes thousands of seconds to be angry and after that, a thousand more to build up the courage to say Sorry.