seize the moment

don't take moment and opportunity for granted

Within a couple of weeks, I've heard news of people's loved one passing away due to heart attack/stroke. With no warning nor goodbye. Three of them.

They reminded me of how unpredictable life is and how chaotic it could be at times. 

And then this quote came along.

The women, concerned of the amount of calories they consume, waved off the dessert cart.

For they thought they'd have chance to come back to it another time - dessert can wait - the ship then sank. 

Such is life. 

Seize the moment.

As now, then, and later won't ever be the same.

As now is now, then is past.

As later is a product of now. 

Moment - seize, reminisce, and not freeze.

chess

blessed to grow up without technology

Derek once told me, one decision he did right as a kid was to learn how to play tennis.

Being good at tennis was one of the reasons he didn't have problem settling in when he first came to Sydney as people always count him in for quality games. He was never left out on weekend tennis. And that's where friendships were made quickly.

I thought to myself, do any of my childhood hobbies actually enhance my life as an adult? I don't think so, no.

As kids, our 3 main 'toys' were Lego, barbie dolls, and chess.
Lego has probably sparked the 'engineering' side of me.
Barbie. I don't think it brings any benefit really. Her life objective is to dress up for dates with Ken. Such shallow mentality. Girls have better things to achieve in life. Lol.
As for Chess, after the topic was randomly brought up by my sis, now I believe it does play a huge part in shaping my personalities and way of thinking.

We used to represent our schools in chess competitions.
Not that I'm extremely good at it, there just weren't enough people to make up the team.

In a chess competition, there is one timer for each player.
When it's your turn, your timer runs. Once you completed your move, you stop your timer which then automatically activates your opponent's timer.
The game may end at any time if any of players' time runs out.
It's not just about trying to checkmate your opponent, it's also a race against time.

There's also the touch-move rule in chess. If a player touches a piece on the board during his turn, he must then move that piece during his turn. If he touches the opponent's piece, he must then make moves to capture that piece during his turn.

What is a chess game like?

- Plan and think ahead of not just your own moves but your opponent's moves too. 

- Observe your opponent's each and every move to find out his intentions and forecast his next move/game plan.

- Think before you act. Do not touch anything on the board until you're sure.

- You don't have all the time in the world to think or make decision as the clock ticks down.

- Every move should be strategised with purpose - to threaten, to trap, to lure, to kill, to defend, to distract, to slow, to run for life or to force the opponent into taking a certain move.

- Sometimes you have to sacrifice the less important (or least favourite) pieces to keep the 'useful' ones.

- Sometimes you kill for the sake of being killed. The less pieces there are on the board, the easier it is to have an overview of the game. 

- No talking, pure thinking, full concentration.

- Every time a move is taken by yourself or the opponent, you quickly repeat the what-if, if-not, if, and say-if in your head because the dynamic of the board changes with every move.

- You sit face to face with your opponent for about an hour but the only words spoken are Check, Touch-move, Castling, Checkmate, and Good-game. 

So what has chess instilled in me?

- 'One step at a time' is a good way to not over-stress on things but sometimes we gotta think and plan a few steps ahead to have a more 'structured' life.

- Observation is a good way to get to know someone better inside out - why they do/act/say/react in certain ways. We don't always need to ask or judge, just observe and learn.

- Never do/act/say/react on things before thinking through the consequences or alternatives. Touch-move serves as a good reminder.

- Think and make decision there and then unless the decision is dependent on other factors which are not within your control. The habit of not wanting to commit until the last minute is a form of running away from things. Time waits for no man.

- Always be reminded that each step taken in life leads to another. We might as well take the steps purposefully, making full use of the chance we have.

- You can't have best of both worlds. If it means sacrificing something to keep another, so be it. Know what's best for you, make choices, let go.

- Less is more. Trying to hold on to too many things will in turn blind us from the things that truly matter. The lesser we have, the clearer it is to identify and easier it is to grasp on what matters most.

- When I'm quiet, I'm thinking. And often, my thoughts are confined in my head and I'm used to not speaking out.

- Nothing is definite as things are meant to change as we go.

- Silence is not awkward. Some may find it uneasy.

Chess has definitely influenced me in many ways.

My analytical and critical thinking skills, my calmness in facing and solving problems, my observant nature, my habit of not lengthening any decision-making process (not liking to spend so much time thinking of the same things over and over again), my introvert traits, my habit of doing all the thinkings in my head and not voicing out, my ability to quickly let go of thoughts/things/people which/who aren't worth or not meant to be, and my love for quiet space. Also, people think chess is: Boring. Slow. Complicated to some. Brain-killing. Not fun. Perhaps that's why I'm a boring person at times. Lol.

Thanks to the aunty (I don't know which aunty) who gave us her spare chess set.

make a stand

make a stand for ourselves and others, for the change we want to see in the world

Came across this page from Brave by Margie Warrell.

"...make a stand for something: for the values we care about, for the difference we want to make, for the causes we believe in and for the injustice we don't."

This reminds me of the people whom I've come across in life.

Those who do not stand for themselves.

Those who see wrong and not make it right - just because minding their own business is the best for them, but is it the best for others?

Those who blindly apply 'let it go' for most things in life - it makes peace and makes you look like a saint for the moment but it does not change anything for the better or make a difference.

I was assigned a window seat on my flight to Yangon. As we were the last few to board the flight, there was already a Burmese guy on my seat. Oh well, I'm an aisle person so it doesn't really matter if the window seat was taken - middle seat won't make any difference.

So I sat on his middle seat instead. Not long after, there was an announcement specifically reminding passengers to be seated at their allocated seats and changing seats are not allowed.

Haha. Okay. It must have happened so frequently on this route that such reminder is required. After hearing the announcement, so many thoughts ran through my head.

- What's the consequence of changing seats?
- What happens if the flight attendants found out? I'm gonna argue that they were the one who didnt make sure he sits on his own seat.
- Do I ask him to surrender my window seat? (But I don't want to change seat cos he looks oily and smells of something, it's better if he stays where he is)
- Do I tell him that I'm aware that he has taken my seat but it's no biggy? (Just so he knows that he is on the wrong seat)
- Would he get annoyed and stab me with a knife?
- Could he pass the security scans with a knife on him? What is impossible in Msia?

I decided to close my eyes and go to sleep. Hahaha.

While waiting for the plane to take off, he was constantly on the phone, texting or taking selfie. I wonder if the AirAsia staff were his friends that they all deliberately missed him when doing the routine seatbelt and electronic devices check. Wth...

This joker was still texting and taking videos when the safety demonstration took place. I was freaking annoyed because I am kiasi. What impact could an electronice device have on the take off? I have no idea. But if they set out a reminder, there ought to be reasons for it.

So when the joker was not aware, I pressed the 'assistance' button. Hahaha. The steward came over, I pretended like it wasn't me who press it. Then he saw the joker with the phone and told him to switch it off. He did as told...for a few seconds before he turned it on again. Zzzz.

He continued recording video of the take off. I couldn't stand it anymore. Wtf....I should have taken the window seat from him. So I tapped on his shoulders and told him no handphone. He said Okok.

After few seconds, he took out his phone again and gave me the "quiet" sign - signalling me not to tell the staff. Zzzz. At that moment, I gave up. I could only pray that the plane will take off safely and I don't end up dying because an idiot decided to record video of the take off.

If only he speaks english or chinese, I would have told him that nobody will ever watch his stupid video because it was recorded at an angle, it gives headache, and YouTube has better videos...most importantly, he is putting everyone's life at risk (I think? Haha).

As I'm still able to write this post, it means the plane took off and landed safely. Hehe. But it doesn't mean that what he did was right. Getting away once means he might repeat this in future. Ya it was a peaceful ending for us, but does it change anything for the better?

The next time around, I will let whoever know that he is on the wrong seat but he can continue to enjoy the window seat if he wants to. If he is keen, I will give him a lesson on how to read the tickets and take the right seat. And handphone is strictly prohobited during take off and landing!

"...fall mindlessly into the path of least resistance, maximum self-interest and minimal contribution...contributes little to the welfare of others..."

It's easier to close an eye on issues than to stand and voice out our views (not in a critical manner) for the betterment of others. Wrong application of 'letting go' of issues could lead to ignorance.

Everyone plays a part in making the world a better place. Don't keep mum when you could have made things change for the better.

not be taken for granted

be nice and kind

to those who deserves it

It happens all the time...
When you be all nice and kind, people take you granted.
They forget how hard it is to meet a nice and kind person in this harsh world.
They thought it's easy because they've met you.
They test your patience and assume you're here to stay and that your kindness is bottomless.
Then it becomes, the person nicest to them is not the person they're nicest to.
The person who will be there for them is not the person they'll be there for - any time anywhere.

Same goes to my dear flatmate.
When she told me her birthday's coming and that no one's celebrating with her, I bought her a cake.
When she told me she's suffering from some kind of anxiety, I thought I should give her a break and endure the messy kitchen and clean after her.
Then she brought her bf home, over and over again - ignoring the 'No BF' rules, as if it's not valid.
Then her bf kept complaining about the summer heat and turned on the aircond when a fan could have done a good job.
Then he did his week laundry and used dryer when the outdoor heat could have dried his clothes in 30 mins.
Then he cooked and messed up the kitchen.
Then they played hide and seek by 'pretending' to leave the place every night, but sneaked in 2 hours later as if I was dumb and wouldn't know he's back in the house.

I finally had enough of these. It's driving me nuts.
I sent her a text msg telling her that I know he has been sleeping over and reminding her the 'No BF' rule still applies.
It's not the best thing to type for a text.
It's my first ever flatmate 'confrontation' in 8 years.
I hope she keeps the reminder fresh in her head so I won't have to type another text like this.

Why do people have to take people for granted and force people to not be nice any more?

"the person nicest to them is not the person they're nicest to"

What happens to "What goes around comes around"?

if someone died today...

not always a happy ending

Something to think about...

If I died today, would you be satisfied with the last conversation we had?

If you died today, would I be satisfied with the last conversation we had?

If any of us died today, would I regret that a conversation didn't take place?

Familiar faces flashed through my mind.

- My sis - our last conversation was about me brushing her off when all she wanted was to vent her frustration. She hasn't been heard for more than 24 hours.

- My grandma - I can't recall the last conversation we had just cos I haven't called home for awhile.

- A friend - we haven't talked for a long long time cos all of a sudden I'm not sure if what I see is what I know and what I hear is what I'm not supposed to know. If one party isn't sharing openly and has so much to hide, would it be sustainable? It takes two to tango isn't it? I can't be dancing on my own all the time. Till I figure this out...

If they died today, no, I won't be fine.

If I died today?
Family will be hit hard.
But friend would just move on, I believe.
We're unique to our family, but to friends, we can always be replaced with another.
Oh well, C'est la vie.

Reminder:
- Be kind and empathetic with our speeches.
- Keep in touch with people we care. 'Busy' is never an excuse. 'Tomorrow' may never come.
- Keep conversations in a healthy state such that there's no regret whatsoever.

Random conversations from today:

- My roommate - I showed her proof of how farting could burn calories and she went zzzz. Lol.

- A friend - where I told him about my diarrhoea, he said I needed practice and reminded me to drink plenty of water. And then went on to talk about Clash of Clans - zzz What's new?

blessed

blessed is a feeling. 

blessed is
having people to count on when in times of need.

blessed is
having people to count you in when in times of joy.

blessed is
seeing a familiar face when you haven't met one in days.

blessed is
having someone to entertain your randomness.

to all of you

thanks for helping me with the air tickets.
thanks for opening your Melbourne door by default for me.
thanks for having me in mind as a company.
thanks for the random free lunch and chatter.
thanks for the impromptu 360 km.

you may not realise the little things you do or say would have meant a lot on the other side.

thanks for just being here or there.

rest assured, I'll be here for you to count on. whenever, wherever, whatever.

tranquil moment

 external factors are just perceptions

Tried so hard to fall asleep at an awkward hour of 5.30pm, for the sake of tonight's site work.
I'm so not an afternoon nap person. Bahhhhh~

When I'm almost entering my dreamland, the flatmate came home with her bf and there went all the yelling, knocking, banging, tv... She obviously didn't think that I'd be home.

Omgoshhhhhh!!!

Gave up! Let's just be a zombie tonight.

On the side note...

I stumbled upon the St John's Anglican Church while wandering alone in Glebe today. Not sure what brought me into the church, maybe my heart wanted my mind to shut down for a bit. Haha.

No doubt, it is one of the places to be if you're after some tranquil moments. 

Even if the old benches stink,

Even if there was rock band playing right outside,

The mind was able to ignore the stinky air and loud band, completely shut itself down  - just what I needed.

You showed me that external factors are just perceptions.

Thank you, Church.

practise to say 'it's okay'

listen. not react.

Have you thought about when in times of tension, whether it be...
When you spill coffee over someone's white pair of sneakers.
When you're late for an appointment.
When you couldn't meet a deadline.
When you accidentally break someone's favourite mug.
When you unintentionally break a promise.
When you did something which would upset someone.

What are the first few words you'd love to hear from these people?

It's okay.
Daijobu.
没关系
Don't worry.
Take your time.

Growing up, these were the words I barely heard. Often, the adults at home or the school teachers would quickly jump into a blaming tone, raise their voice, and start asking questions like...

Why can't you be more mindful?!
Why can't you be quick?!
Why did you do this?!
Who told you to do it?!
Do you know you're wrong?!
Do you have brain?!

Aggressive questioning does not teach a child to be mindful, be quick, be punctual, do the right thing...
Nor does it tell a child that he/she is careless, is slow, is late, is wrong...

It makes the child feel helpless and unable to defend him/herself because people are too quick to judge and blame without trying to hear from his/her point of view.

This was my childhood.

Typical Asian parents philosophies:
- Adult is always right.
- When an adult says you're wrong, you have no right to be right.
- When they start scolding, never defend yourself as it's considered as disrespect and not admitting your mistake, which then results in more severe punishment.
- Adult has all the right to state what you can/cannot do, at the pace they want and at their convenience.

My dad is a typical example of an Asian parent.

Apart from all these lopsided philosophies, he also has bad temper, no patience, frequently vents his anger through the use of foul languages, harmful speech, and aggressive body language.

Once, when I was about 8, we were in the car heading out for breakfast.
He asked what do we feel like having.
No one had any idea or just wasn't fast enough to beat his temper.
In that mere few seconds of silence, he got impatient and let out a threatening sigh.
I got so frightened, I randomly picked something which I wasn't even keen of having.

How hard is it to say, 'It's okay, take your time to think'?

Once, I accidentally dropped soap into the water storage in the bathroom.
I could either ask an adult to help get the soap and get all the scolding.
Or do it myself and save myself from the scolding.
I chose to dodge the scolding.
As the storage was deep, by the time I got the soap out, the water has turned murky.
True enough, when they saw the water, the first sentences I heard were: What were you thinking?! Do you have brain?! 

I do have brain.
It was an accident.
I could have drowned in there.
They were too quick to react than to show concern.
I never had a chance to speak.

Even now as an adult, I still meet people like this - people who are impatient, short temper, and people who like jumping into conclusion so they can start blaming you.

Once, I got out of my office a little too slow and had my flatmate waiting in her car at the bus stop.
The moment I got into the car, she said, 'Why can't you come down on time?! Do you know it's a $200 fine for stopping here?!?!'

Having had enough of these, I couldn't see myself taking the blame without speaking out.
I said Do you know I shut down the pc immediately, didn't even dare use the toilet, the lift wouldn't come what can I do??!! Can you not jump into conclusion and blame people for no reason??!!

I may be slow other times but just not this time.

It is an awful feeling to be misunderstood, blamed, or judged for the wrong reasons.
Over the years, I saw the importance of listening and understanding, rather than reacting.
I admit that I do have traits of a 'blamer' too.
I do get impatient at times and feel really sorry after that.
I am trying to improve on this.

Everyone deserves to be told:

It's okay.
Daijobu.
没关系
Don't worry.
Take your time.

because it only takes one second to be kind and understanding.
But it takes thousands of seconds to be angry and after that, a thousand more to build up the courage to say Sorry.

melbourne cup

horses, stay safe

It's the race which stops a nation at 3 pm on every first Tuesday of November.
It's a public holiday in Victoria only.

In other states, we simply declare our own half-day off by stopping work from 2.30 pm to watch the race, followed by drinks till the end of office hour. We'll also have sweepstake at work - $2 for 1 horse, $5 for 3 horses - where horses are randomly picked from a pool.

This year, it's no different in the new company. Our British boss asked what do we normally do on Melbourne Cup day. Someone who also came from my old company replied we generally stop work from after lunch, have some drinks, watch the race, and continue drinking for the rest of the day.

The boss said Ok, let's do it!

What an easy-going boss. Lol.

3 horses died in the last 2 years of Melbourne Cup. 1 had heart attack and 2 were put to sleep because they broke a leg. Horses need all 4 legs to 'live'. If any is broken, they're better off dead than alive.

In my opinion, horses should be running freely in the woods.
They aren't born to be whipped.
They aren't born to go through trainings.
They aren't born to be transported in a confined space.
They aren't born to run in races and be the subject of gamble.

Hence, I'm not a fan of this race or any other things which involve animals kept in captivity and go through vigorous training - zoo, circus, water park, races, animal shows, etc.

For the first time in 4 months, the admin and I are on the same page.
We're more concern of the welfare of the horses than the half-day off, free lunch, drinks, bets, and adrenaline rush.
We excuse ourselves from the sweepstake and hope no horses die this year.

Each time after the race, the owners of the winning horse will be seen cheering, congratulating each other, and popping a champagne. First 10 horses will win some kind prize money.

What do the horses get?
A spa retreat?
A mane-cut and treatment?
A day off from track?
A bigger stable?
A sense of achievement and pride?

Nothing.

If I were a horse, I'd rather be left to starve in the woods than to be given hay, a stable, and beautiful shoes - things I wasn't born to need.

Put yourself in the horses' shoes...

never lose your keys

lessons are best learned through experience

When about to leave home today, I realised I don't have the house keys with me.
With both flatmates out of Sydney, I can't possibly leave the house without my own set of keys.
I searched high and low for it.
And started visualising scenarios if the keys were not found.

- Did I drop it in the garbage room and someone has picked it up?
- Did I leave the keys in the knob after throwing the garbage?
- I can't leave the house without keys, unless I leave the door unlock. But would a thief come by to try his luck and then got lucky?
- I have to cancel my lunch appointment at the very last minute, which is something I really hate doing.
- Can't leave the house = can't go to work on mon and tue until one flatmate returns on wed.
- I can't work from home cos I don't have a work laptop.
- Do I have enough food to last for 3 days? - Yes, heaps of instant noodles, chocolate, and chips.
- Who can come and save me now???

There was no one in mind whom I can call for help.
The feeling of hopelessness crept over me.
What if I'm 70 with no one to my rescue? O.M.G!!!
It's definitely something to think about now before it happens for real.

Anyway, I found the keys under the sofa - not after 30 mins later.
It was a 30 mins filled with what-ifs, gahhhhhhh, kill-me-please, and where-the-heck.

Lessons learnt:
- Check for keys before leaving home
- Pop the keys INTO the bag after getting home - not on or by the side of the bag
- Find a few more reliable friends, at the same time never let the old ones go
- Keep a set of keys with someone whom I can trust

horror flatmate

ignorance is bliss

For the past couple of weeks, I've been in a state of restlessness. 

It's not depression or insomnia or anything along that line; just too much physical and brain activities.

Restless because of the messy and unpredictable bus timing in the morning.

Restless because of the lack of public transport home after 9 pm.

Restless because of a messy and unhygienic flatmate - especially in the kitchen.

Restless because the flatmate has her bf over for dinner and often mess up the kitchen.

Restless because I wonder if the bf secretly stays over for the night.

Restless because the flatmate doesn't know how to operate the washing machine, it leaks every time she uses it.

Restless because the flatmate uses the clothes dryer and it's not even raining.

All these practically keep me 'occupied' before and after I leave home, and then before and after I arrive home.

Missing the bus or travelling after 9 pm basically had me trolling up and down the hilly road almost 4 to 5 times a week - about 30 mins each time.

I've decided not to check the timetables in the morning, just let the buses and trains be. 

Don't chase after them. Wait without expectation.

With the housemate,

I got a little paranoid which results in me on a constant lookout for 'things' to pick on. 

Followed by the cleaning, wiping, washing, and tidying of the mess (if I found any).

To do this on a daily basis is physically taxing, not forgetting sometimes it happens after a 30 mins walk home.

Dead tired.

I eventually decided to not step into the kitchen unless I have to, not open the laundry door unless I have to, and not bother if there is noise from the other bedroom.

Last Friday night, she and her bf cooked dinner together.

These were what I found on Saturday morning:

food scrap

more food scrap

3 piles of rubbish

piled up sink

food for cockroaches?

oily stove

She left home shortly after my shocking discoveries.
I ended up doing all the cleaning, wiping, washing, and tidying for a good one hour, followed by dumping the rubbish.

This is what happens when living with a stranger.
It's almost always never gonna be perfect.
On the bright side, at least she pays rent on time and isn't home on most weekends.

Now kitchen-cleaning is on my weekend to-do-list though more than 90% of the mess is not created by me. Deal with the mess all at once on the weekend rather than being restless throughout the weekdays.

I'll just take it as a Patience training.

After the restless weeks, followed by the decision to ignore the bus and train timetables and take the kitchen cleanliness less seriously, I came across an article on the internet which says:

"The cause of our suffering is not because of other's actions, it's because we make a fuss out of their actions. We become tired (of them/things) because we're constantly on the lookout to pick on them."

As if he's writing about me. LOL!

It can also be applied to other human behaviours or things in general.
Everytime we have the need to complain about someone, we should recall this excerpt from the article and take a moment to reflect on the issue.
The outcome may be different.

lessons to learn

everyone is our life teacher.

During the team lunch, our 34 year-old engineering manager was asked about the million dollar home he bought two weeks ago. A humble and low-key person he is.

Here are some of his thoughts for sharing (in blue):

- It's a good area with a number of good schools there. There's a national park behind our backyard, nice neighbourhood, peaceful environment. 

- I was thinking if I never do it now at this age, it would get harder in the future. I'd probably not buy anything in the end. It's now or never.

- The key is to start young. 

- I started with a one-bedder before I sold it for a small house. And then I sold the small house for this one, which I wouldn't be able to afford otherwise.

I couldn't agree more with him.
He has moved from a mediocre suburb to a hippy upbeat suburb, and now to a prestigious suburb in Sydney's north, at the same time every time he moved, the size got bigger.
Start small and low, one day you'll get somewhere.

It's like how snowballs are made. We start from a mini palm-sized snowball and roll it until it gets to the size we want and to where we want to place it.  

Many youngsters these days would eliminate this 'rolling' process because they have their parents to pay for the big snowball located readily at where they want it to be.
Not everyone is born with such luck, including myself. Hehe.

The size, location, and other tangibles of the house may impress people for a bit but it's the stories of how you get there and what you've been through before getting there that will make a lasting impression.

While we were all digesting his words, there were a few seconds of silence till he said:

Funny how our priorities change over time.

Priorities - something I've been thinking about quite often recently.

When that sentence was uttered; if we were animation characters, he would be the noble psychic and I'm the ordinary girl with popping eyes and standing hair like Can he read my mind?!?! Haha.

Back then, we bought the house in Annandale because we wanted to live near the local cafes, the bars, somewhere not too far from the city. But after the kids came, Nah...who cares about cafes anymore. Lol. We just move on..... 

Move On - something which puts me at where I am today - new job, new place, new friends...

Priorities gives us a better sense of purpose and direction.
Move On gives us the courage to leave our existing state behind.

Funny how the things he randomly talked about kinda hit the right spots like in an acupuncture therapy.

Apart from his humble and soft-spoken personalities, another thing I admire about him is that he drives a uber old Toyota-Whatever (don't even know which model it is - must be at least 20 years old) which belongs to his mum-in-law. I sat in the backseat of the car, with biscuit crumbs all over the seat and bottom. It's window controls are broken and the back tyre suspension gives a freaking creaking noise. For a moment I thought when we get back to the office, there might be only 3 tyres left. Lol.

How many people in their late 20's to early 30's would consider driving a 'scrap metal' on the road while investing on assets?
Most would rather drive a fancy European car while renting in expensive suburbs.

It's not the old car which impresses me. It's his humbleness and mentality to plan ahead.
A driver of a $1000 borrowed car, owns a million dollar home in Pymble, and stays humble.

This is what makes a lasting impression.

monday joke

if the heart is good, everything else follows

Admin: I'm planning to go get Botox for my face.
Staff: Hey?
Admin: I say I'm planning to get Botox for my face, so I don't look angry all the time.
Staff: Oh, you sure it helps?
Admin: Yeh, I'll ask them. Maybe do it around here. (pointing at face)
Manager: You rather look 'surprised' than angry? Hahaha...
Admin: Ya I don't mind looking surprised at all, or stone-faced. Just not angry.
Everyone in the neighbouring cubes: *pretend it's not funny, don't laugh please*

Once a victim of her uncontrolled temper, I wished I had the courage to go tell her, 'It's not your face which is angry. You're just angry in general.'

Botox won't help.
It all comes from the heart.

Quote by Roald Rahl:

“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

job probation - passed

life is also about fulfilling other's expectations

Passed my 3 months probation - in a blink of an eye.

In the review, there were 3 of us in the room. Me, the leader, and the director (who interviewed me).

They have nothing to judge me against as in this 3 months, there was only ONE non-structural project for us to work on. Apart from that, the rest are non-technical stuff like the uncountable client CV's, client's induction modules, company's induction modules, sit-in for unnecessary meetings, unrelated site inspections, report templates, safety inductions, team meetings......

The team leader's remark was: You have an impressive CV. Just that we haven't got related jobs for you to show off your technical skills, unfortunately. 

I was then 'invited' to express my likes and dislikes of the company, its people, the environment, and anything in general.

If I were to be honest with them, I guess by the end of the probation review, I would be told to leave the company if I wish to. LOL.

Instead, I chose the 'professional' path, by saying 'All is good, I have no further comments.'

The director then asked if I'm going to complete my chartership programme anytime SOON.

What??!!!!! LOL!!!

My reply was No?

He: Why not??!
Me: Err...because there's no rush for it?
He: But. Don't you want to practise as an engineer?
Me: I am practising as an engineer now, even without the chartership.
He: Ohh. But don't you like what you're doing? Don't you feel passionate about it? It's engineering. There's so much to explore, so much interesting stuff.
Me: o.O (Hahahhaha. I know engineering is interesting. BUT. It won't get any more interesting by being a Chartered Professional Engineer, would it?)
He: Ok. Tell me what's stopping you?
Me: Nothing really. I'll get it done eventually, just that I wouldn't promise it'll be anytime SOON?
Leader: I think the first step is to get her to enrol as a member.
He: Ohh, you're not even a member????
Me: Haha. No?
He: Why not??!
Me: Cos it costs 600 over dollars and I don't use the benefits which come with it.
He: The company pays for it. You don't have to bear the cost, you know?
Me: I know. But it's still 600 dollars whether it comes from my or the company's pocket. I think it's a waste. The money can be used on other things. Plus, I can work on the chartership programme without having to become a member first.
He: It's ok. It's good for you anyway. And we are paying for it.
Me: .....
He: You can write one chapter a month if you want to go slow. It won't take long isn't it? Just a few pages for each chapter. Ok?
Me: T_T

Omg so naggy like a parent and keep assuring me that the costs will be paid for. Money is not my main concern. Grrrrrr.

I feel like saying 'Hey Dad, I know you have high hopes on me and you really love Engineering. It's been a part of you for over 40 years. I don't wanna disappoint you really, hence I'll do it and prove it to you.....ONE day. But what are we chasing after, may I know?'

Here I am, feeling contented with my current state of life, not chasing, not pushing, not stopping, not complaining.
All of a sudden, my boss came questioning me of my love and passion for my job and the need for further recognition in my career as an engineer.
He is an example of the old-school people who dedicate their whole life into doing one thing and be the best they can.
They preach 'love what you do' than 'do what you love'.

It makes me wanna cry. Haha.
Because he has such high hope on me, pushing me to achieve more, trying to cultivate engineering-passion in me.....
While all I have in mind is to keep life simple, reduce the need to chase, and slowly pace towards the finish line in a walking-meditation mode.
Haha. Very ambition-less I know.
Less is more, remember?
What a high contrast to the picture he has in mind.

Unavoidably, CPEng has now made it to my to-tick list because it is on someone's must-tick list.

Such is life...it's not all about me, myself, and I. 

studied too hard

the best lessons come through experience, 

not on black and white nor some fancy highlighters

While packing for the house-moving, I found some old notes from college and uni.

These are the reasons why I had a very limited social circle back in the uni days:

Write programming codes on notepads. I no longer read this language, unfortunately.

Don't ask me what these equations mean.
I may be able to answer you if it was 6 years ago, but not anymore now.

96% for a mid-session quiz. What a Nerd?

Fine, tiny, and tidy handwriting - 10 years ago 2005.
2015 handwriting is thick, squiggly, and messy.

All the colourful sticky notes for an open-book exam. Back in the kiasu days.

While rummaging through those notes, the voices in my head went:

- Wth did we learn this for?
- I think I was once a genius (wanna-be). Glad I'm 'normal' now. Lol.
- What's these equations about?
- Why didn't anyone ask me to Get a Life?!
- Oh wow! I admire the '6-years-ago-Me'. Full of enthusiasm to thrive and achieve the best (I'm just too contented to do anything now).
- What's the point of studying so hard? Not all that we learned are useful anyway.
- Back then, I thought I knew so much but they don't mean anything now, do they?
- If I could go back in time, I'd choose an easier degree, I swear.
- These complicated stuff are not for human. I must be an alien 6 years ago.

I flipped through every page and every folder in the box for one last time before dumping them into the bin. Can't help but feel remorse for them.

If there was a take-two, I'd say NO to Engineering.
It's complicated.
It's the example of spending a fortune to build a 20 bedrooms mansion when all I ever need is 1 bedroom.
After 6 years of completion, I look at the mansion in disbelief and wish I could have spent less amount of time, effort, and money for the same 1 bedroom comfort.

Not that I'm regretting it but I simply realised the beauty of simplicity and the art of 'less is more'.

Nevertheless, I do appreciate the 'more' that I have now though 'less' could also give the same amount of happiness and contentment.

Fortunately, I didn't take up Medicine or Architecture - they seem like a 20 bedrooms mansion which requires double the amount of resources. LOL!

who actually cares

one step at a time

This will be my 9th time moving house in 8.5 years, around 6 different suburbs in Sydney.

Tell me about how troublesome it is to move.
3 weeks notice to pack, organise moving and cleaning, decide where to move to, look for a new place, buy furniture, and now look for a suitable person to share the new place with, or otherwise pay $500/week.
All of these, while coping with a full-time job and a super-PMS admin.

My 10th move better be the last!

Ironically, the ones who are truly worried, offered help, tried to help, and helped, are not the ones closest to me. They are also not the one I spend most of my 'fun' time with.

When there is fun, a bunch of people would show up. When there is problem, only a handful show interest in your problem. Some even think it's funny to joke about it.

When in difficult situation, there are 3 types of people we encounter:
- those who put you in the situation
- those who helped
- those who did nothing or turned you down

Each of these people play a role in educating and making us a better person.
Forgive the first type.
Thank the second type and always be grateful to them.
Say 'it's ok' to the third type; perhaps we don't deserve their help but they still deserve ours.

This time around, it lets me see clearly if I do, never did, or will always be a matter to someone. Thanks to the very few who takes my problem as theirs just so I know I'm not in this alone.
Friends who are there during difficult times are worth keeping.
Friends who only show up during fun times are just as good as strangers.
I don't need so many strangers in my life really.

At the meantime, I shall remind myself: 'If money could solve a problem, it is not a problem anymore'.

Thanks to Dad for this simple slogan which makes every problem seems so small.
Inevitably, money can solve all of the 'problems' associated with moving as listed above.

This is one of life's many challenges - putting my perseverance and friendship to the test.

This too shall pass.

not all loving is love

your way of love may not mean love to others,

it may not be the way people want to be loved

I moved this poor tiny succulent to the window to spare it some natural light.
Later, I was told that it's actually a fake plant made of rubber. Haha.

It looks too real to be fake. The plant maker did a great job on this.
Though its weight could have given the clue away, I spared it some benefit of doubts because all I had in mind was to shower it with sunlight.

Now that the truth has uncovered, I still left it by the window because there's where all plants should be (real or fake) - exposed to natural light.

This reminds me of how in life, we tend to show care/love the way we like to or the way we think others might like to be cared for/loved, without considering if it actually hits the right spot.

If it does, both parties are happy.

What if it doesn't?

The receiver feels it's unnecessary.
The giver feels taken for granted.

The receiver feels annoyed.
The giver thinks the receiver isn't appreciative.

The receiver feels constrained.
The giver feels lost.

It's all due to poor understanding of each other's needs/don't-needs and wants/don't-wants.

If the giver and receiver both see care/love from their own perspective only, the over-showering of care/love is effortful but meaningless.

For the giver to note:

Not all care is caring.
Not all caring is care.
Not all love is loving.
Not all loving is love.

For the receiver to note:

Not all neglect is uncaring.
Not all uncaring is neglect.
Not all ignorance is unloving.
Not all unloving is ignorance.

Hope this post rings a bell to random people out there who happen to read it.

Also hope I haven't annoyed my loved ones with 'unnecessary' love.
If I did, do let me know before I accuse you of being ungrateful and unappreciative.

For now, all I could do for this succulent is to wipe dusts off it every other week, which is the only care it needs from me. The sunlight might actually kill it since it's made of rubber - but I still like it by the window. Hehe.

Tokyo finally!

before the start of every new job, always take a break

After my trip to Tibet last October, my bro-in-law asked where would my next holiday destination be.
I replied India, Nepal.....
His response was, 'WHY?? You don't like Japan? You never want to visit Japan?'
Hahaha.
It's not because I don't like Japan, I simply prefer to experience the undeveloped side of the world.

Because of his very spontaneous response (as if I dislike his country) which left me a little embarrassed and guilty...Japan became one of the 'next' destinations.

I'm not a city-traveler but...

For such a last minute and unplanned holiday, where else to go other than to visit a place where accommodation's readily available, cities are well-connected, there's no way you could get lost, there's no way you would starve as long as you have coins and know how to press a button...

MOST importantly, getting to see your loved ones in a supposedly unfamiliar city...and knowing that they will be anticipating your arrival...

This time, it has to be TOKYO!

A huge Thank-You to my bro-in-law, mum-of-bro-in-law, sister, and baby nephews for the hospitality.

After Singapore and Australia, this is the 3rd developed country I visited.

It's different from my usual holidays.

Here,
I was allowed to make random plans, because the trains go anywhere, anytime.
I didn't need a guide.
I was spoiled with too many choices for food and drinks.
I witnessed a higher level of civilisation.
I encountered vending machines at every corner of the street.
I woke up one morning to learn that I slept through an earthquake.
Coke for as cheap as a dollar.
And so much more...

I was completely wrong with the preconception that big cities are never gonna impress me.

one's joke is another person's sorrow

practise what you preach

I went to a meditation cum Dhamma talk session last Sunday at a friend's place. It was conducted by a visiting monk (shifu) from Malaysia.

As Buddhism is about the 'way of life', I always reserve a 'why not?' attitude towards it.

And so happen this friend of mine is always full of enthusiasm and energy when it comes to attracting or bringing people to the session/talk she organises.

When someone is all hyped about something and sincerely invites you to share the fun or experience, to me, it requires more effort to reject than to comply. Most of the time, it's a yes for me if there's no reason to reject.

If a simple YES can really make her day, why not?

During the talk, the shifu mentioned how we could send metta to those we love - for example, our mum. And since it was also the Mother's Day, he asked if we've called to wish our mums.

The room was filled with silence. No response from everyone.

He looked around and said, 'Why isn't there a response? Don't you people have mother???!'

And the room laughed.

I almost wanted to say NO to him.
And I didn't think it was funny.

This might have a little to do with my background but for most of it I felt that as a teacher, as much as you preach on life's impermanence, shouldn't you have the slightest sensitivity and awareness that no family member would stay alive forever - hence at some point, someone, somewhere, somehow, actually does NOT have a mother; or father.

Little do you know that the someone (or two) is/are right there in that very room where the joke was cracked.

Missing a parent is not a big deal if you've fully-accepted the fact that he/she is/would be gone one day. Until someone comes and crack a joke about it because he thinks not having a mum or a dad could be funny...

I started to reflect on the times when we (siblings or cousins) call out to each other and when there is no response from the other party, we tend to say 'Are you deaf?' or 'Are you mute?'.

Or when people ask if we could help to pick up something from the next room and pass it to them, we sometimes say 'Can't you do it yourself? Don't you have legs?'.

We do have an aunt and uncle (cousin's parents) who are deaf and mute. And our late grandma was also suffering from hearing loss for as long as I knew her.

Was my cousin offended? Was grandma sad?

I feel them now.

Thanks for this valuable lesson - if not because of your insensitivity, I wouldn't have learned it.

The closest you could get in understanding someone - seeing what he sees and feeling what he feels, is not just by putting your feet in his shoes - you have to walk in them.

This Mother's Day, I've walked in two persons' shoes.

Never base a joke on one's mishap. Lesson learnt.

while it lasts

while it lasts, never wait till tomorrow, we never know when is the last

Every year, at the start of Spring and Autumn, I'll take short breaks from work to walk up and down the Pacific Highway and Miller St at North Sydney. Branching out of these main roads are quiet little streets with overgrown trees.

What makes the walk special are the signature purple jacaranda in Spring and the orange maple leaves in Autumn. They only last for less than a week before the flowers wilt or the leaves fall - which reminds us that nothing lasts forever. Even if tomorrow comes, things may not be the same as yesterday. Hence, while it lasts, never wait till tomorrow.

Despite the ridiculous 70 hours storm at the start of the week, these beautiful leaves survived though many have fallen. I was here just in time to catch a glimpse of that orange canopy. I bet after the hailstorm this afternoon and more rain tomorrow, the canopy would have given way by coming Monday.

This would be my last Autumn spent in North Sydney - for now. Never had I thought that these trees are one of the things I'd miss out of working in North Sydney. Thanks for the wonderful 5 years and a bit.

autumn comes with autumn leaves
orange the shade of the autumn leaves
dull little streets are what we perceive
the beauty it holds you won't believe
quietly admiring this nature's gift
this will be my fifth
I shall be making a shift
as winter comes and autumn leaves