not ours to keep

not ours to keep

We only had 5 days of 2017 with you before you left us to the other side of the beautiful world.

As unexpected as things could be, this is not something I'd thought would happen. Ever.
I ached. For you, for your mum, your dad, and everyone in the family whose life you'd been a part of.

The trip back home in Nov 2016 which I dreaded much, became the most 'unregrettable' trip as I saw you for the last time.

Thanks for the wonderful 714 days.
Watched you grow from a grumpy-looking baby to a beautiful and adorable toddler.
Thanks for the wake up call, reminding us to appreciate everyone around us as tomorrow might not come.
Thanks for the lesson you gave us, so we know what to do better next time.
Thanks for having me in your life and allowing me to be in yours.

To those who thought losing a niece was easy, wait till you have one whom you love and care like she was your daughter.
To the few who felt my pain, thanks for the understanding texts and for crying with me.
Thanks for being there in hiding - that's just what I needed.

To my little angel, you will be missed.
Do visit my dreams every now and then, till we meet again.

This never made it to you.
And shall be passed on to the next person who could use it.

2017

it's the crowd that matters

New year is always associated with resolutions and fireworks.

As per 2016, I spent new year eve at home.
It's not the most exciting thing to do on 31st Dec but it sure was quiet, peaceful, and lots of time to reflect on the year to pass.

2016 was very eventful - the tough old job, 4 overseas trips, 'maid' for two weddings, moving home, interview, new job (worked 60 hours a week, including some weekends); that when it got to the xmas break, I finally have 10 days to slow down, reflect, recharge, and relaunch.

All I wanted to do was stay home for a quiet night and spend the last hours of 2016 with families and friends who hoped to spend the same with me. Though just virtually, it's better than none.

While my flatmate watched TV and I chatted to people over Whatsapp, we had cider and talked about 2016 in general.
What happened, what could be done better, what hasn't happened, what we want to see happen, what would 12 months of 2017 be like, what should we be working towards?

When the clock ticked into 2017, my sisters watched the Sydney fireworks 'with' me. Lol.
Thanks Sydney for the free broadcast.

It was a great closing to 2016 and opening to 2017.

Spent the next two days 'visualising' how 2017 should be.
The conclusion was career advancement, more quality me-time, and self-improvement.

in memory

time does not wait, does it

On Boxing Day...

Just when everyone's in the jingly and merry mood of Christmas, I received news that my school mate SL's mum has passed away.

She had been ill for the last one year, diagnosed with leukaemia.

Each time I make a trip home, we barely have chance to meet as SL is based interstate.
In my last trip home in November - to attend a friend's wedding - we finally met but I didn't manage to visit her mum.
I asked about her mum. In an optimistic tone, she said her mum's recovering.
She also told me about how they almost lost her early this year.

I reminded myself that I shall bring aunty some Australian fig when I go back in January (assuming all elderly loves fig and assuming she's on the path of recovery).
*For the last decade, I didn't realise Australia is famous for fig. It's time to repay what I've missed.

I remember sending this to SL.

Aunty saw it, laughed and said 'siaopo wy'.
She then told us to 'take some leaves, meet more guys. Everyday work work work....'
I thought since she could laugh at jokes and advise on how to meet guys, she should be genki.

The news of her passing came to me as a shock.
For a moment, I couldn't figure if the news was real or it's something which runs in my subconscious mind.

I thought of the figs which never will make it to her.
I thought of the last joke.
I thought of how she spoke my name.
I thought of how she might have suffered.
I thought of who should I pass on the news to.
I wondered if SL's fine.

I went to bed with these lingering in my head.

The next day, I wrote SL a text.
As usual, she sounded 'fine'.
I don't know how else I can help apart from feeling sorry.

Memories flashed back.

When we were in Form 4, we once had to bring chopsticks to school. I can't recall what was it for.
SL brought a pair of beautiful shiny silver chopsticks while everyone else had the cheap-looking plastic/wooden ones.
Right before the school bell rings, aunty arrived to pick SL up.
I saw her.
I put my hand out the window, waved to her while holding the pair of silver chopsticks.
She saw me first and then the chopsticks. Lol.
SL was given a long lecture at home after, because she took the chopsticks without permission.
It was all my fault as I flashed them in front of aunty's eyes. Lol.

After finishing high school, I came to Sydney and SL went to Ukraine for university.
Our summer breaks were 6 months apart from each other. We barely met anymore.
On one of her birthdays in Klang, I got my sis to buy some roti canai's and deliver to her house as a surprise.
It was more of a surprise for aunty to find the roti hanging on the gate.

These are some of the few memories made with her.

I'm blessed to have you in my journey.
Thanks for having me in yours too.
May you be in a better place, watching after us.

As much as I'll remember your cheerful face and voice,
I'll also remember this, 'take some leaves, meet more guys'.

Love,
wy

time flies

when you're too occupied with life

In the midst of disappearing from the blog, I moved. Again.

No, I haven't lost count of how many places have I lived in, in the last 10 years.
If it's more than two handfuls, the number doesn't really matter anymore. It's one too many.

My flatmate was gonna move into her new apartment.
If I kept the apartment that we were renting, I'll have to find someone to rent the 2nd bedroom.
The horrific experience living with a horrendous tenant was a wake up call for me.
If there was a choice, I will not go down the path of living with a stranger. Never again.

The period where I was busy packing for house-moving was also the same time I went for a job interview, resigned, and served my resignation notice.

Before I could even fully unpack, I travelled to Tokyo and Melbourne, then back and started my new job.

In a blink of an eye, 3 months have passed since I started the new job.
All is well with the new job and new apartment.

It's suddenly the last day of 2016!!!

career chapter 2 - end -

experience which gives the 'cider' taste stays for a long time 

Resignation tendered.

Contract signed.

In 4 weeks, I'll be finishing off with the 2nd company of my career life.

It was a short, bittersweet experience of 15 months. 

With every journey - good or bad - that we go through in life, we should get wiser, grow stronger, and gain something out of it.

Thinking back, because of this job...

- I moved out of my comfort zone in the eastern suburbs of Sydney - the place I called home for the last 8 years since arriving in Australia.
- I was exposed to and get to know a new side of Sydney - the north and northwest suburbs.
- I made some new friends due to the new geographical location that I'm in.
- I met a team leader who taught me patience and allowed me to show my skills due to his incompetencies.
- I made a few 'close' colleagues due to the small company size. We gossipped, we teased, we had timtam and popcorn time-outs, long lunches and tea breaks, we enjoyed the days out of office for site inspections.
- I became more approachable and accustomed to the small-talk culture because people are more closely-connected in small companies compared to when you have 250 people in a company, you'd have more acquaintances than friends.
- I kicked start my engineering chartership after 7 years, just because it was enforced upon us. I wouldn't have started it otherwise.
- I learned that startup companies could be a pile of mess even if they do have an established parent company.
- The 7 main things that keep people from quitting: money, career growth, significance, work scope, support, people, and environment. I only scored 1/7 for this company unfortunately.
- I had the opportunity to interview people, which allows me to experience interview session from the other side of the boardroom. Apart from skills and characteristics, FATE too plays a part in landing you the job offer.

That's about all I can think of for now.

Cheers to a more colourful journey ahead. 

city2surf

when there's a will, there's a way

After living in Sydney for almost 10 years, I finally became one of the 80,000 citysurfers this year. 

Running has never been on my tick-off list, what more a 14 km run.

When our company decided to sponsor the run this year, I thought if I don't do it now, I don't know when's the next time I'd come this close to being part of this event.

I signed up without hesitation, and thought I'll worry about the training later. Lol.

Everything has to start somewhere else it will never happen isn't it?

While most people at work were already 'secretly' training during lunch, I was falling behind.

Blame it on winter. Haha.

It involves a lot of mental and psychological strengths to just get myself to change into sports attire and go for a run.  

Since it requires so much 'mental and psychological' efforts from my side, it makes more sense if I'm doing it for a cause than to be training and running blindly.

Perhaps, I'll be more disciplined with the training if it's for a cause? Hehe.

I decided to raise fund for CanTeen - to help teenagers who have been affected by cancer in one way or another. 

Thanks to my fellow supporters, I managed to raise $612.25 on the night before the run!

It did make a difference.

On the day of the run, I arrived 15 mins before the start time. 

Had to use the toilet before the run.

With an event of 80,000 participants, I was 'surprised and not surprised' by the fact that the queue for the toilet was less than 10 mins, there was no queue-cutting scene, there was sufficient toilet paper and water in the portable toilet unit, and it didn't stink as I thought it would.

I was 'surprised' because the organiser and 80,000 participants managed and behaved well above expectations.

'Not surprised' because this is what you can expect from the people here.

The crowd was at a standstill before the start.

At 9.05 am, it started moving slowly towards the starting line. 

Along the way leading to the starting line, there were jumpers and sweaters laying around on the ground.

I thought what's wrong with these people.

Did they all forget their jumpers?

Did they leave their jumpers behind and were gonna come back to pick them up after the race?

It's not one or two, it was more than 20!

Up to a point, there were a couple of huge plastic bags filled with clothing.

Massive task for the lost-and-found crew - I thought. Lol.

After moving slowly with the crowd for at least 15 mins, there's finally enough room for people to start jogging. 

But it was still pretty tight. You could easily trip on someone's long legs from behind.

The crowd dispersed after about 1 km into the run.
That's when I started noticing people in costumes.
There were superheroes, frogs, bees, bunnies, people who dress like old grannies, people in tutu dress, etc.
They were having so much fun dancing and jumping around with music blasting in the background.

Wonderwomen!

Couldn't help but to stop and take photos of these Wonderwomen. 

Couple in mix-match stoking and a daddy taking his toddler for a fun-stroll.

This guy in football jersey, with handbag and umbrella. 

Apart from cool and funny people, there were also weird people.
Like this guy with handbag and umbrella.
Looks like he's on his way to get some groceries.

Nova FM cheer zone

There were live bands and music stations scattered throughout the 14 km.
People blasting music from the balcony of their home.
Kids setting up mini fundraising stalls outside of their homes - selling cupcakes, energy drinks, and bottled water.
People helping to spray water on runners, from a hose outside of their home.
People from around the neighbourhood bring their kids to be part of the supporting-crowd.
People having BBQ in the lawn of their house with beers while cheering on the runners.

one of the last photos taken before finishing the run - reluctantly

14 km was over in a blink of an eye. 

I wished it was longer. Haha.

my 1st ever medal from running.

My target was to complete the 14 km in under 2 hours.
Clocked in at 1 hr 48 mins - including 118 mins of running, time spent taking photos, grabbing and gulping litres of drinks, applying sunblock (4 times), distributing sunblock, etc etc.
Most of my colleagues did it within 90 mins.

I later found out that it's common for people to donate their unwanted clothing at the starting line.
The jumpers on the road were 'act of charity'. Not that people were forgetful. Haha.
My colleague donated a bag of clothing too.

These are some of the thoughtful plans/services provided:

Free public transport for the day for all City2surf participants to ease traffic congestion.

Free sunblock and vaseline at the emergency booths throughout the run.

Sufficient toilets - cleaned and replenished frequently.

Gear drop service which transports participants' belongings to the finish village.

All you need to carry with you are mobile phone, an ATM card, and house key.

Don't even need earphones for music as there were music and live bands in the background throughout the run.

Something they should improve on is to come up with ways to minimise the number of cups used.

If each participant used 10 cups, there'll be 800,000 paper cups disposed in one event. 

Feel like crying for the earth. :(

Nevertheless, kudos and many thanks to the organisers, sponsors, volunteers, supporters, and relevant authorities for the success of this event.

City2surf is not just a mini-marathon. 

It encourages people to run for a cause.
It brings people together - runners, families, supporters, volunteers, party-goers.
It turns the otherwise busy and congested streets into a party zone.

It makes an ordinary Sunday healthy and meaningful.

I got home with a medal, jelly legs, sore muscles, blisters under my feet, and blood stain on my sock.

The S Health app shows 31,746 steps, 26.04 km, and 1265 kcal burnt.

Was expecting sunburn but I wasn't even tanned. The free woolies sunblock at the emergency booths work wonders!

I kinda understood now, the true purpose of marathon.

Not much for the medal and social media attention.

It's more about the satisfaction and sense of achievement at the end of the run.

The feeling of completing an impossible task. 

Of breaking and pushing through the limits.

quarter-life crisis

first-world problem

25 was when quarter-life crisis struck me for the first time.

Being new to the workforce with much more to learn from the veterans...
Having savings which allow me to be jobless for a year or two but not enough for anything bigger...
Being surrounded by friends whom I knew for less than 4 years and most were still in uni...
And being in a relationship which I'm not sure of its future...
Basically, everything's not here nor there.

Hence, came the doubt of whether I'm at the right place at all.

The questions which came across my mind were:

Do I like my job?
Is this what I wanna do for the next 10 years?
Do I follow my passion or continue doing what I'm doing for the sake of making a living?
What's my passion?
What are my life goals?
Where would I be in 5 years?
Where do I want to be in 5 years or 10?
Am I mixing with the right circle of friends?
Should I expand my network, mix with a more mature bunch?
Should I move back to be closer to my family?
Have I made full use of my life thus far?
When should I settle down?
What do I do with my savings?
Is it too much to dream of buying my own property?
How and when do I wanna retire?
Am I happy where I'm at?
Is life all about earning, living, saving, repeat?
If I die tomorrow, does anything still matter?

There were good and bad days.
I'd see my boss work till 7pm and wonder is this the life I want.
I'd look at my colleague who leaves at 5pm sharp to pick up his kid and shudder at the idea of settling down and having kids.
I watched the sushi-maker at a Japanese shop make sushi and thought maybe I'd be happier and more stress-free with a hands-on job like this.

Some days I'm grateful for my engineering job and the money it pays.

Some days I think it's meaningless spending 12 hours a day (including travel time), 5 days a week on work.
Some days I'm proud of my job and the difference it brings to the wider community.
Some days I'd think maybe going back to Msia for good is a better idea, some days I'd be like better not.

It's a constant never-ending cycle; until the mind is determined to get itself out of the cycle.

So I decided to take 3 months break.
Away from work.
Away from relationship.
Away from the confusing environment.
Went on a backpacking-style holiday to Hanoi.
Took care of my newborn nephew.
Did nothing for the rest of the break.

After 3 months...

I decided that I shall go back to being an engineer because it's a better-paying job than a junior sushi-maker. Just joking Lol.
The aim was to save more money, at least financially prepare myself for future endeavours. Perhaps retire by 40?
I also thought I should live more like a working-adult and less like a student to 'feel' belong and more connected to the life of a mid-twenties.
I shall also pay more attention to national and world news/info which I should be concerned of: taxes, property, finance, politics, budget, health, etc. Knowledge has to grow with age. Otherwise, it's called being ignorant and living in denial.

I stopped doubting my career path.
I had an aim with my savings.
I became picky with friends.
Invested more time on the right people and less on the not-so-right ones.
Sydney will be the place to be. Unless circumstances change in the future.
Most of the my doubts were answered and direction set.

5 years on...

30 was when the crisis struck me again.
This time at a different level, not as serious as before. Lol.
My career path is kinda fixed.
There's no more questioning about passion and interests.
There is a balance of young immature friends, fun and happening friends, stable and successful friends, and long-term trustworthy friends.
And also some friends/ex-colleagues/colleagues from work.
Settled with one property.
I couldn't have asked for anything more.

The questions are now:

Am I progressing well enough in my career?
Should I bother being a chartered professional in my field?
Would I stay long enough in this field to make the chartership worthwhile?
What do I do with my savings?
Who should be my beneficiaries?
What other things - investments, small business - can I venture in?
Can I retire by 40?
Have I spent the last 30 years well? Could I have done better?
What can I do now so I don't regret at 40?

Hahaha.
Perhaps I think too much but it's good to know I'm not the only one.
It's a common first-world problem.
The ones who think will get somewhere, the ones who don't will stay put forever. 
The way to get over it is to face the questions, find answers for the 'why, what, who, how, when', and execute upon them.

If we know how to drive, and there are roads to travel on, rest assured that we'll end up somewhere.
Those who refuse to learn how to drive and refuse to pick a road, will hence stay where they are for good or worse.

I know how it feels like to be doubtful and doubted as I was once there myself.
One advice to people who have symptoms of this crisis is, gratitude.
Counting blessings and recalling the things you're grateful of are ways to remind you that you're already doing well and you're good where you're at.